Season: 2 Episode: 021
Summary: Sex is one of the most talked-about subjects in the world but not talked about enough in the church. God designed sex and gave us instructions on how to keep sex healthy and fruitful within the marriage. Today, we talk about why our culture distorts sex, why the church casts a negative light on sex and how you can keep the home fires burning in your marriage.
“Culture and God’s word will always clash.”
“God designed sex.”
“If you don’t feel this way about sex, it’s not because God didn’t design it that way; it’s because culture has distorted it.”
“Guess what, this is going to be blunt but if he has a penis and you have a vagina, you’re compatible.”
“Just because you’re a Christian does not mean you won’t have the same desires as any other human being on the planet. God designed us as sexual beings.”
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Welcome back, my friend. You are listening to episode 21, Sex: God’s Design. Before we get into today’s show, I want to read a review from one of my listeners.
This review is from Vlyon and it says, “Love listening to her podcasts. I love how she speaks truth to our everyday lives today. I ran across her podcast and listened to all of them over the weekend. She is amazing and such an inspiration. Her reminders of how to live each day in a society that is wild and so “careful with their words” these days are so helpful.”
I’m so thankful for this and all the reviews that are left on iTunes. If you would like to leave me a rating and/or a review, please go to iTunes, scroll down, hit the stars and/or review and done. It will only take a few minutes and I really do appreciate it.
So today we’re talking about sex. If you have children with you, you may want to listen to this when you’re alone. I mean, I’m not going to get R rated, but I will share some real info with you and I just want you to use discretion.
*There is a lot to talk about when it comes to this topic so I could go in so many directions. But what we really want to know, and what my podcast is all about, is what God says about things that are important to us.
And let’s be honest … sex is pretty important. I mean, it’s the whole reason we’re here, right. Wink, wink!
But seriously, our culture likes to put their own spin on things and then stamp it with their approval, but God has the final say and that’s what we’re going to get into today.
*What you need to know from me is that I’m not a sex expert. But I do know the Bible and I know what God expects out of us when it comes to sex. And that’s what I hope to help you understand today.
*If you’re not familiar with what the Bible says about sex, you may raise your eyebrows to much of what I’m going to share with you today. I highly recommend you get a pen handy and write down the verses I share and then go back and read them for yourself. As always, if you have any questions, email me and I’ll answer them.
*I had several people recommend this podcast episode, so I’m going to dedicate it to my friend, Brenna, who recommended it first. So, Brenna … this one’s for you.
The issues we’re going to tackle about this topic are:
- What does God say about sex? What is His design?
2) What does our culture say about sex and what are we teaching others about it?
3) How do we keep the home fires burning when it comes to sex within marriage?
I’m going to share a few things about my personal upbringing and how I talk to my own kids about sex. I’m also going to share with you what my husband and I did to stay pure before marriage and the real talk that comes along with that.
So, let’s get started!
1. What does God say about sex?
Let’s get something straight right off the bat … God designed sex. It is meant to be a beautiful display of love between a man and a woman … and more specifically, a husband and a wife.
There is verse after verse that talks about sex within the marriage and that the sexually immoral won’t inherit the kingdom of God. God specifically names adultery, fornication, homosexuality and even pornography when Jesus says in Matt 5:28, “If a man lusts after a woman He has committed adultery with her in his heart” … He classified those thins as sexually immoral and things that have distorted sex and God’s design for it.
From the beginning, we see that God tells Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. He tells them to have sex.
But sex is more than a physical act. The Bible says that when a man leaves his father and mother, he is joined to his wife and the two become one flesh. That is in Genesis 2:24.
Sex is created to be enjoyed by one man and one woman. It is a gift from God that does several things:
*Connects husband and wife in a way that no other human being on the planet is allowed to connect with you.
*Allows for the extension of the family by having children.
*It is a pleasurable act that brings intimacy between husband and wife.
*If you don’t feel this way about sex, it’s not because God didn’t design it to be this way, it’s because man has distorted it. And we’ll get to that in a bit.
*Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”
Just so we’re clear, a fornicator is one who has sex outside of marriage.
Adulterers are ones who have affairs within the marriage.
*God esteems marriage because it is a direct reflection of the relationship He longs to have with His creation. It is a covenant relationship. God tells us to love Him with all of our mind, body and soul.
*When we marry, we love our spouse with our whole being … mind (we dream together, share our thoughts), body (we spend time together and become sexually intimate), and soul (we are knit together as one).
*If you look at one of the books written by Solomon, it is filled with sexual imagery. It’s the Song of Solomon.
*I’ll be honest, it’s so much imagery that it is sometimes difficult for me to decipher what exactly Solomon is gettin’ at but when he says things like, “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle which feed among the lilies.” I’m like, alright, Solomon. It’s gettin’ a little steamy, but I get it.
*And his love interest, the Shunamite woman says, “His mouth is full of sweetness and he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my best friend.”
*Bet you didn’t know that was in the Bible!! Passion, love, desire, and sexual intimacy. I love that an entire book is dedicated to sex within marriage and that Christian sex isn’t passive and boring.
*It’s passionate and exciting because God has designed it that way within the boundaries of the covenant of marriage.
*Sex within marriage causes us to see each other in a way that no one else can. We are able to explore the entire being of the one we are one with.
*Proverbs shares many verses about sex in marriage and one I really love is 5:18-19 and it says, “May your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice with the wife of your youth. A loving doe – a graceful deer, may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”
*God’s not a prude when it comes to sex. Just because God says wait until you’re married doesn’t mean that He doesn’t want you to have sex. He created it. He designed it.
*But again, mankind distorted it because of sin and the enemy has convinced us we’re not cheapening sex when we go to bed with just anyone. Which brings us to the next point.
2) What does our culture say about marriage and what are we teaching the younger generations about sex?
*First, more people have sex before marriage today than ever before. Everywhere you look it’s all about sex. I can’t watch a movie today without some sort of sexual innuendo, or sex scene.
*We have shows like the Bachelor and other reality TV shows where everyone is having sex with each other after just having met. It’s no longer considered wrong but normal.
*People use the excuse of “Well, it’s my body and I can do what I want with it.” Or, “We have to see if we’re sexually compatible” … which, BTW, makes no sense to me at all whatsoever.
*Guess what, this is going to be blunt but if he has a penis and you have a vagina, you’re compatible. Now, if you’re talking about the satisfaction sex brings … you and your spouse have to figure that part out together.
*ifstudie.org says that
*77% of people have sex before 20
*75% of people have sex before they get married
*Many have 3-4 partners before marriage
*75% – 80% of evangelical Christians have sex before marriage.
*So really, we have two views here. We have the view of culture that says go ahead and have sex. We even promote it with kids as young as middle school by handing out condoms and birth control, and then telling them we won’t tell their parents.
*These kids can barely decide which electives they want to take in school. Do you think they have the cognitive ability or emotional maturity to weigh the consequences of having sex at such a young age?
*Every debate we have right now as a nation: abortion, STD’s, adoption, etc, all comes down to a sex problem. Because we have distorted God’s design for sex, we have so many other issues that come as consequences.
*But culture has literally taken the consequences away by providing a way out. This, as a result, has cheapened sex.
*Not to mention the things we don’t talk about … like how most people who have sex before meeting their spouse wish they would have waited.
*Or, the fact that the more partners men have before marriage makes it more difficult for them to find pleasure with having sex with only one partner in marriage.
*And then, on the other hand, we have the church who:
1) Doesn’t talk about sex nearly enough
2) Doesn’t talk about how many Christian men are also addicted to pornography and how that alone has effected the passion they have within their own marriages.
3) When we do try and talk about sex and tell the younger generation why they should wait, we cast a negative light on sex so by the time they do get married, they feel like sex is dirty and wrong.
*Where do we find the balance, right? Because shouldn’t we be having real conversations about this?
*When I was a kid, my parents sat me and my siblings down and talked to us about sex. Pretty much that it wasn’t OK to have sex before marriage and to wait.
*I had a negative view of sex. I thought it was dirty and wrong.
*In youth group, we took purity pledges and vowed to keep our virginity until marriage. But do you know what no one told me? That I would want to have sex. Yeah, I think that’s important.
*Just because you’re a Christian does not mean you won’t have the same desires as any other human being on the planet. God designed us as sexual beings.
*I had two boyfriends ask me to have sex with them. I was 17 with one and 23 with the other.
*Thank God …. Thank you, Jesus … I committed to staying a virgin before marriage and I told them no. One of them, a pastors son, told me we should because we’re going to get married anyway.
*That’s a great line, BTW. I have to give him props for trying. News flash .. I didn’t marry the little heathen.
*But when I met my husband … you talk about hard!! There was passion, people. Desire. He’s hot. I say it all the time. And more than that, I loved him and he loved me. That only made us want each other more. That’s one reason why we didn’t mess around with our engagement. We both made a commitment to God before we got married that we would wait and we had to remind each other of that often.
*I want to be real with you. And even now, I am real with my boys. I tell them that their commitment to staying pure can’t depend on what I think. It can’t depend on the fact that their youth leaders took them through a program called Why Wait? And gave them tons of statistics and had people come in and teach them about their own experiences with sex before marriage.
*The real decision has to come with their own relationship to God. It has to hinge on the fact that they have made God and His word their source of truth. Otherwise, the desires and passion in those moments will get the best of them.
So let’s remember ….
*Sex is a good thing, but it does come with a stipulation: it’s good in marriage, it’s distorted outside of it.
*For those who think they can do what they want with their bodies because you own them, I want to read this passage of Scripture to you: 1 Cor 6:13, “Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. 15, do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take way the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, ‘The two shall become one flesh.’ But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with him. Flee sexual immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you know know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price; therefore, glorify God in your body.”
*You were bought with a price and that means your body has been purchased by the blood of the Lamb. We no longer get to say, “I can do what I want with my body” if Christ is our Savior.
*Culture and God’s word will clash and I can tell you they clash heavily when it comes to sex.
*Also, sexual immorality is a sin against our own bodies. That means when we have sex with others, we make ourselves one with them. We are creatures created for relationship with God and others, but to only be ONE with our spouse in marriage.
*Immorality is the only sin that requires the entire anatomy. It is a mind, body and soul sin. Sex intertwines us with the other person whether we realize it or not.
*Today, our culture is all about hooking up. You can literally slide into someones DM’s just to hook up. I don’t even think they’re called one night stands anymore.
*It’s become normal to have friends with benefits. People think they can have sex with no strings attached. According to the verse we just read in 1 Corinthians, we’re deceiving ourselves if we really think that’s possible.
*I’m currently reading a book called Love Thy Body by Nancy R Pearcy, and she talks in great detail about today’s culture separating the mind and the soul from the body. Meaning, we can tell our bodies what we want it to be, what we want it to do and how we want it to respond no matter what we decide to do with it.
*She gives both biblical and secular arguments to help us understand the thinking behind this and why it causes more harm than good and why we cannot escape the consequences of sexual immorality although we think we can.
*I also want to add that many men can easily objectify women when it comes to sex. Because of that, many men think they can walk away without emotional effects, but that’s not exactly true.
*As I said before, men who have multiple sex partners are literally destroying the intimacy possible in marriage. To go from many sex partners to one creates a challenge because they have developed a sexual appetite they cannot sustain. So, again, sexual immorality is a sin against the body because it effects our entire being … not just physical pleasure.
*We can keep going with consequences of sex outside of marriage and culture, but I want to get to the final point and then add some more along the way.
*3 How do we keep the home fires burning in our marriage?
*This is a great question because let’s fact it … once you’ve been married for a while and the honeymoon is over and kids come along …. Sex requires a lot more effort.
*It’s also a known fact that once people have been married or a while, the frequency of having sex decreases. I don’t want to depress anyone who’s listening, but it’s true.
*Sex is a way for us to connect with our spouses. It’s a great way to come together and do what only you can do with your spouse. So, my suggestion is to spice it up and I have some tips for how to do that.
*First, Every now and then light candles and set the mood. Put on some music that you both enjoy. This will help you get in the mood more.
*Now, if you’re a busy mom and you are constantly with the kids and by the end of the day you don’t want one more person touching you … I feel ya! I’m sending you a fist bump right now.
*But these are the times you may have to get your mind right and know that at the end of the day, you’re going to give your husband the time he needs. If you set that as a priority that day, it’ll be easier to follow through when the time comes.
*When my boys were little, I was exhausted and there were times sex seemed more like a chore than it did a gift. My husband always got the last bit of me and it wasn’t good. So, this really helps.
*Dress sexy. If you look sexy, you feel sexy. Boom. There ya go!
*It also helps to talk about intimate things … hopes, dreams, how you met, what you love about each other. This will help you connect on an intimate level and pretty soon the emotional connection leads to physical activity.
*Finally, give each other a massage. This works like a charm. It helps you wind down, relax and you’re more apt to get into the mood.
*1 Cor 7:3-4 says, “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”
*We have an obligation to our spouses to have sex and give them what they need physically.
*That just means that my husband has physical needs that only I can fulfill and I have physical needs that only he can fulfill. It doesn’t mean that when he says it’s go time I have to give him what he wants.
*And then verse 5 of chapter 7 says, “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together agains so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
*Men are more visual than women, and women are more emotional. We must be careful not to go too long without having sex with our spouses because, as Paul said, there are temptations out there and physical deprivation makes it more difficult to stay away from those things that draw us in.
Wrap it up
I want to wrap this up today by encouraging you that if you’ve had sex before marriage, please don’t feel like a terrible person. I am trying to get you to think about the long term effects of fornication and sexual immorality in general.
God can and does restore all things. But also, we need to know God’s standard for everything and sex is one of them. With 75-80% of Christians having sex, we are not holding onto God’s word if we think He dismisses us from it because we enjoy it or because culture condones
If you have any other questions about this topic or want clarification on anything I said, please email me at email@example.com. All of the verses are in the show notes for your reference and I highly recommend you get what God says into your head and heart.
Until next time, keep those home fires burning and I’ll catch you on the next one!