Season: 4 Episode: 046
Shanda’s husband Dean is back on the podcast. They talk about 5 things a wife wants from her husbands, and 5 things a husband wants from his wife. They also walk you through the stages of marriage and what you can do if you fell out of love with your spouse.
“Are you more concerned with seeing how your spouse fits into the life you built, or building a life with your spouse?”
“The foundation of friendship before marriage is what helps you through the difficulties of marriage.”
“The timeliness to our words is what makes them well accepted.”
“Connect as often as possible.”
“Choose the battles that are worth fighting.”
“Consider your marriage a negotiation and fight for the things that matter.”
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Hey guys! Welcome back to another episode of Her Faith Inspires.
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Alright, today I have my husband Dean back on the podcast and we are going to talk about 5 things men and women want from their spouse.
I thought we’d keep this a little light hearted since we’ve had some heavy topics on the show the last few months, while at the same time give you practical and biblical truths to remember as you navigate the marital relationship. And for those of you not married, these will be good things to remember as you enter into holy matrimony.
So today, Dean and I are going to share the 5 things we want in marriage and then I am going to compare those things with what the majority of women want from their husbands and what husbands want from their wives.
We haven’t talked to each other about our lists. We thought it would be fun to kind of talk about this off the cuff. So, I am not prepared for exactly what he’s going to say, but I can imagine at least one of the things on his list because I know him all too well.
Today, we are also going to talk about:
- The 5 things men want from their wives and the 5 things women want from their husbands.
- The most challenging stages of marriage and practical ways to get through them successfully.
- How do we keep the home fires burning when the kids come along and why dating in marriage is more important than ever.
Ok, so we’re going to start with 5 things men and women want in marriage. We’re going to go one by one, and compare our list as we go.
**Dean and I share the list**
Mainstream list of what women and men want in marriage:
To know they’re loved
Trust their man
Believe in him
Appreciation and affirmation
What I find interesting about these is that they fall in line with what God requires of the husband and wife in His word.
For example, the woman is told to respect her husband and that is what men desire.
The husband is told to love his wife as Christ loved the church and that is what the God requires of the husband.
Those verses are found in Ephesians 5.
I know in our current modern day of feminism, women have a very difficult time with the submission part of the Bible, but in reality, wives desire to trust their spouses and want him to provide security for the future. And we’ve talked about this before, but many Christian women want a husband that leads his family spiritually.
And if anyone missed that episode on “A man’s man in a woman’s world”, you’ll find that in episode 25.
A lot of times people say there are certain years in marriage that pose a challenge.
For example, many say that the first year is the hardest because they’re trying to figure each other out.
We’re going to talk about that, but Dean, you have a belief about people getting married young. Wyatt is 17 and we talk often about how we would handle him saying he wanted to get married as young as you were when we got married. Can you explain your answer to that and what you tell people about it?
I really appreciate the season of marriage on firstlings.org. They say:
Passion is the first stage.
This is where we overlook annoying things your spouse does and it’s basically the honeymoon phase. “The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy, positive attitudes, heighten sexuality and sensuality.”
The next phase is reality.
This is where you realize your spouse goes to the bathroom and leaves it stinky. Or he leaves his clothes on the floor and you have to pick them up. Or she has smelly breath and no makeup on in the morning.
You usually start planning your family in this stage and you commit to the long haul of marriage.
Stage three is the battle stage.
There are more arguments during this stage. This is the battle for control, responsibility and every disagreement is an opportunity to define the marriage. You have to be careful here because you can either go your separate ways or you can continue to work together to figure things out.
Stage four is the stage of compromise.
Couples begin to realize that there is never going to be a time when they see eye to eye on everything. Fights happen less frequently and are not as intense as before.
And finally, stage five.
This is the stage experts say many couples never get to. Spouses really start to enjoy each other here, and because they have a history together, they are united in a commitment to make things work.
Dean and I can definitely seem some parallels to these stages in our own marriage. I think the duration of each stage does depend on how long you’re been together before getting married. For example, living together before marriage may not bring a lengthy stage of passion within marriage because you’ve already experienced passion and acted on it in dating.
So keep that in mind as you evaluate the stages you experience.
We also want to provide personal tips that have helped us get through each stage. Dean and I are going to share the top 3 things that have helped us get through some of the hardest times in our marriage.
Dean, you and I have talked about this before, but do you think people need to shy away from arguing in their marriage or fee like their marriage is failing if they do have disagreements?
Christians live by biblical values and they flow over into marriage. Dr. Dobson said to vow never to say divorce in marriage. Once you pull that card, you’ve gone as far as you can go and the only thing left to do is sign the papers.
Dean and I also personally vowed to never call each other names or tell each other to shut up. We didn’t want to disrespect each other even in anger and we’ve held to that for more than 19 years.
The christian values in a healthy Christian marriage are ones we need to remember and hold onto hone it’s hard:
*A husband and wife become one. Keep others out of it. Don’t talk bad about your spouse to others.
*Divorce is not an option.
*Love is shown, not always felt. It also has to be cultivated. Revelation 2:1-6 (Remember your first love)
How do we keep the home fires burning (especially after kids come along), and why is dating more important once you’re married?
It becomes too easy to become roommates rather than lovers once the routine of life takes over in marriage.
Let’s face it, we have responsibilities, children to keep alive, bills to pay. Prioritizing marriage takes intentionality and keeping things in proper order.
I think Dean would agree, that when our boys were young, it was probably harder for me to make time for him than for him to make time for me.
**Dean can elaborate on this**
Again, I want to point out the church in Ephesus that Jesus addresses in Revelation ch 2. He told them they did all of these wonderful things. He laid out the deeds of the church that showed they were fierce defenders of truth, but out of all the good things they did, the abandoned or forsook their first love.
I know this does not address marriage in general, but it does address how we can fall out of love .. whether it be with God or with our spouse.
And Jesus goes on to tell them how to fall back into love.
He said this, “Remember therefore from where you have fallen, repent, and go back and do your first works over again.”
So let’s break this down:
Jesus says to REMEMBER.
Dean and I will sometimes reminisce about when we fell in love.
Remembering is important and in fact, there are many times in the Bible where God instructs His people to remember and not forget the things He had done for them. Remembering reconnects us to our why.
It reminds us of why we fell in love in the first place and why we chose this person for life.
Then He says to REPENT.
Repentance in the biblical definition means to turn away from and a complete change of mind. It really is an acknowledgment of where we have left our responsibility to nurture our marriage and repent to God and each other.
Repentance is powerful becomes it is accompanied by confession and many times, spouses want their concerns to be validated by their husband or wife.
And finally, He says GO BACK AND DO YOUR FIRST WORKS OVER AGAIN.
Dean and I fell in love while riding bikes and working out. But in reality, we were spending time together, dreaming together, planning together and setting goals together. Our conversations were intimate and set the foundation for our marriage because that is where we fell in love.
What did you and your spouse do together when you fell in love? Most likely it’s going to involve a series of dates, planning time together and conversations that were deeper and inquisitive because you wanted to get to know the other person.
It really is simple, yet we make it kind of hard. We don’t realize that there is a process to falling back in love and it takes diligence, patiences and intentionality.
I want to close this up today by encouraging you to invest in your marriage. Our most important relationship is the one we have with the Lord. We must nurture it and ensure that we sit at His feet.
But the next one in line is the one you have with your husband or wife. Dean is truly my best friend. I tell him everything.
And that feels good. It feels good to know the one you chose for life is the one you can count on.
I also want to encourage you that there is power in your prayers. Pray for your spouse. God does work on the unseen and He is the only one who take it to the heart of mankind. Never underestimate the power of a praying wife or husband.
I hope that encouraged you today. I want to thank my husband for joining us on this episode today. He has a lot of wisdom and I love when he comes on to share.
Until then, I’ll catch you on the next one!